Ring in the New Year with Self-Celebration: Instead of Self-Criticism

Happy New Year! We survived! That feels like something big after all that happened in 2016. Unless you were living under a rock. Lucky you.

'Tis the season of Resolution Making. I'm sure we already have our generic goals on our minds that we despair of accomplishing.

What a great way to begin a new year. Not!

Instead of being a downer and focusing on all the things we sucked at this past year, I'd like to break the pattern and celebrate what was great about my year and I encourage you to turn your thoughts in a similarly positive direction.

Started My First Blog

 

After ending my formal education two years ago, I haven't had much reason to stretch my writing muscles. Putting words together to form thoughts to share was something that I've kind of prided myself on probably since middle school. So ending my hiatus was something I'm really proud of.

In eight (or seven since December didn't really count) I have published 23 posts, gotten almost 1500 pageviews, and someone in  France is reading this, which is really exciting for me since I have a mental love affair with French-ness in general. So, merci.

Have I been great on my consistency? Not really. Do I hope to get better at that this year? Yes, but I allow life to happen as it will in this respect. I figure as long as I stay passionate about this project, then it will continue. I hope that will be a long while and will be a growing experience we share.

Survived First Big Road Trip with Babies

 

With two under three, in a small car, with no AC, and a month on the road visiting family and seeing sights, this was a big thing to accomplish. Somehow we didn't die. We lived instead. We had some amazing experiences. My favorites were the Devil's Punchbowl Beach in Oregon and the Monterrey Aquarium, hands down.

I don't know how much Jon will remember in the long run on his own, but he loves looking at our pictures from this adventure. I'm sure we will do more traveling in the future. Just maybe not so much this year. (We're hoping to save up to go to England in two years.)

Celebrated 5th Wedding Anniversary

 

In this modern age when the family and marriage institutions are under attack, it's another big thing that we are still together and going strong. Currently the average length of a marriage before divorce is eight years. So we are technically passed the halfway point of the statistic, but I think we'll make it far beyond that point.

Being part of the LDS religion, we truly believe in eternal marriages and sealed family units. I think this means that we don't go into this big commitment without serious thought and prayer and open eyes. I know in our case, at least from my side, I married Charles knowing that I was going to fall in love with him to a much greater extent than I did during our (very short) courtship through the course of our married life. I think I was lucky to have seen that in my own parents' relationship. That laid a very healthy foundational expectation of love and marriage. I know not everyone is blessed in such a way, and that is an unfortunate contributor to a lot of our current social problems.

This is not to say that everything is always rose-colored and smooth sailing in the Horikami household, but I can confidently say that our problems are pretty small in the grand scheme of things. We see our occasional upsets as growing experiences rather than deal breakers. We know that we married imperfect beings while being imperfect ourselves. We are on  a journey of growth together. (In rough nerd-speak:) What is a quest without challenges? Such a quest could not be as fulfilling when the destination is reached as one that is fraught with dangers overcome along the way.

Completed a Mini Bucket List

 

This was a journey I shared with you. I set my goals here. And then I reported on them in order (one, two and three, four, five). Please read those it you missed them.

I'd say it's a pretty thing to be able to say that I accomplished that which I set out to do. Am I perfect at all of those things? Not really. I'm still human.

So, here's an update: I'd say I'm ready to take my exercise routine to the next level. The holiday season has left me wanting to do another Whole30 (surprise, surprise), I'm really not worried about my face any more. I've mastered makeup application more so you can hardly notice my blemished when I "have my face on". And I'm really ready to take on the Martha challenges now that my wall cleaning project is done and the holidays are over.

So life is going pretty good. Maybe I'll make another bucket list, but not as a series of resolutions at this time. Right now I'm choosing to focus on my blessings more than on short-comings that I think need improvement.

Don't get me wrong, self-improvement is great, but I think it should be more of an on-going personal journey that isn't dependent on what day of the year it is.

Now it's your turn. Take a moment to think on what was great for you in 2016. Maybe leave a comment if there's something you're really proud of that you'd like to share.

May 2017 bring you new hope, new possibilities, and new adventures!

My Top 5 Favorite Parenting Resources

Motherhood is hard. We are all agreed on this. But there are ways to make it a little easier. Tips to have at hand so we feel like we know what we are doing...at least some of the time.

When it's just me and the boys I can get plenty self-conscious about my parenting abilities, like anyone else, but then I occasionally go out in public and realize that it could be a lot worse.

I have several sources I turn to that help me feel like I have it together...most of the time, actually.

So, what I offer today are my secrets, or at least the sources of my secrets in the hope that it will help and inspire all you other wonderful mothers who have not discovered these wonderful books. It is my wish that you may find something here to help you be a better parent today.

 

1. The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp

This is a great starting point, whether you are expecting your first or your last or simply have need of skills to soothe crying babies in what ever setting you may be in.

I read this book as a "textbook" for an Infants and Toddlers class I took in my last semester of BYU-I before I had a baby and graduated. I felt like a pro-Momma with this under my belt before Jon was born. We still had our learning curve when it came to breastfeeding and dealing with cloth diapers, but I could swaddle like a champ.

Dr. Karp's premise with this book is that human babies need a "fourth trimester". Other animal babies come out and walk and "talk" right away. Our babies get pushed out before their heads get too big, ideally. That certainly doesn't mean that they are ready to take on the big, wide world all at once. So, Dr. Karp introduces his "5S's" to simulate conditions from within in the womb to help soothe the baby when outside of the womb to help with the transition.

These work people. So much so that I had people wonder if my baby ever cried because it sure seemed like he never did out in public.

To be brief, the 5 S's are Swaddling, Side-lying, Shushing, Swinging, and Sucking. When I was using these "in the trenches", as it were, like trying to get a newborn to sleep when they have other ideas, I'd have them swaddled, laying on their side on my knees so I could lean over them and make ocean sounds right into their ear while my knees did the swinging, and they sucked on my thumb. (My babies preferred the taste of me over plastic, so we didn't really use binkies at all.) To be fair, this was still a test in patience because it may have still taken a good 15 minutes for them to really fall asleep, but (eventually) fall asleep they did.

2. The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp

It of course makes sense that when I saw this sequel at a book swap, I was sure to grab it. I just finished reading it, to be honest, but I use this everyday and more so on Sundays as a Nursery leader. (It's probably why I haven't been released yet.)

In here, Dr. Karp lovingly calls toddlers "cavemen" and explains that parents have to act as diplomats of the current century. This involves connecting with respect and using "Toddler-ese" to help prevent tantrums or lovingly stop them in their tracks.

My favorite tip was the "Fast Food Rule" (or FFR) for communicating with little ones. He calls it this to bring to mind how the person taking your order at a fast food restaurant repeats your order back to you before they tell you your total price.

The FFR has two parts: First, whoever is most upset (usually the toddler, but this works in "grown-up" situations as well) talks first; the other person listens, repeats back what they are told, and only then do they take their turn to talk. The second part uses "Toddler-ese", tone of voice, and mimicked emotion to hit the toddlers "sweet spot" to get their attention and let them know that you understand how they feel. That part is key because when a toddler is upset they are feeling more that thinking so just trying to be rational with them first is not going to work.

I still have troubles with playing up the emotional part of the FFR (thank my T4 for that) but using short, repetitive sentences (the Toddler-ese in a nutshell) with some reflected feeling really works.

Dr. Karp also mentions knowing your child's temperament and realizing you may have a personality mismatch and that does right into my favorite tools.

 

3. The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle 

Now, I'll be honest: I haven't fully read this book yet, but I already have a thorough working knowledge of Carol's Energy Profiling System through Dressing Your Truth. So I still feel like a "child whisperer" with what I have to go on.

Knowing the Types of my children has been such a blessing. I know Jon is a T2 so I know that when he gets upset he will probably cry and need hugs to calm down. If I didn't know David was a T1 our breastfeeding experience would have been more frustrating for me with how easily distracted he can be. As is, I feed him where it is quiet and just enjoy his smiles when he unlatches for a moment here or there because he wants to tell me he loves me with his eyes .

I look forward to using my knowledge with future children and I feel confident that I can handle all the Types in my children as they come around.

 

4. The Child Whisperer Podcast by Carol Tuttle

Until I do finish reading the book, I can gain more insight from Carol's podcast of the same name.

(Note: The link shows the podcast through iTunes but I'm pretty sure I've been able to kind it through other podcast listening apps.)

I enjoy listening to podcasts while I do household chores, and I'm up-to-date on all my other podcasts, so while I wait for new episodes I listen to Carol Tuttle.

With access to the full archive of her material, even from before it was The Child Whisperer Show, I've been able to get more of the nuanced flavors of the Types from Carol's content as well as when she takes live callers and answers their questions.


My favorite episodes so far (go through the above link) are "How to Parent True to Your Nature", "Is your perception of your children hurting them?", and "How do you measure your success as a parent?".

 

5. Dressing Your Truth by Carol Tuttle 

I find where Energy Profiling is concerned, it's a bit like the oxygen masks on an airplane: you put yours on first before you help whoever is near you. Meaning, it's a bit hard to parent true to your Type if you don't know your Type.

Knowing my Type and dressing my truth does make me a better mom because I feel better in my own skin. It goes with the saying of "If mom's not happy then no one's happy." Conversely, when mom's happy everyone is happier. Dressing my truth makes me a happier person because I know myself, I know my tendencies and how to manage them, and I know how to make the most of my personal gifts.

With this knowledge I am bien dans ma peau. This is a knowledge I feel that everyone should have. I truly believe this would make us happier as a people and (possibly) lead to world peace. Who knows? We can dream big.

World peace aside, I'd settle for happier families to start with.

I hope you find these resources as useful as I have in becoming a better parent.

The Beauty We Saw: Our Road Trip

 

One of the perks of being married to a teacher is that we have summer vacations! For our first we took on the craziest of a month-long road trip. Our primary motivation was to see family, but Charles took the opportunity to call it a tax write-off because he happens to teach geography and we took lots of photos for him to use in his classes.

We started Memorial weekend and got back at the end of June. Somehow we survived in our little blue Buick with two babies and no A/C. Wow.

Memorial Day was spent with Charles' dad in Nampa, ID before we headed up to Ephrata, WA to see my family, including my return-missionary sister and soon-to-be missionary brother. (I wrote about them here.) 

The (visually) fun part started when we headed over to Lummi Island, WA to see Charles' uncle who basically paid for our honeymoon because he hadn't been able to come to our wedding.

There was no bridge to the island, but we were lucky in that we got to the ferry right on time. It seems that this was Charles' first time on an island. We could see Canada from the island as well. 

First we got to see Uncle Klay's property. He showed us this really old tree and mentioned how it likely was part of the Native American burial tradition of tying the deceased to the base of the tree so their spirit could soak into the wood. Needless to say, they stopped doing that when the White Men came around. 

Then he took us down to the beach that was basically just across the street. Most of it was a cobble beach rather than sandstone. I didn't get a picture of that because of the unstable footing. I was focused more on staying upright with a baby strapped to me at the time. But the part with tidal pools was a sandstone beach. As a geologist, Klay was able to explain how we were able to see the strata in the stone. It was cool, but I'm not a geologist to be able to explain it here. 

We didn't stay for very long because we had our hotel in Oregon already reserved and needed to get there at a decent bedtime. 

The nest day our big event was going to the Devils Punch Bowl beach. This was probably my favorite part of the trip.

The water was a bit cold, which would normally be a huge turn-off for me, but we were still able to get our feet wet and the cliffs were fascinating to me. Plus, I could watch waves all day and be happy. 

Our first day in California we were able to hit one of the big redwoods and drive through San Francisco before we got to our hotel in Anaheim. That was our last long day of driving.

I got the best souvenir that day: a baby redwood tree. Unfortunately, it didn't like coming home from Arizona and kinda died. Fortunately it came with a guarantee that we were able to call in and now I have a redwood sapling coming to me. 

We didn't stop in San Francisco at all, but we were fascinated by the detail in the architecture that we were able to see with just driving through. And it reminded us that we would like to see an opera at some point. 

You'd think that with staying in Anaheim, we should have gone to Disneyland, and I will say that we did think about it and made the appropriate reservation and had space for one day doing that planned. But then we decided that Jon is too little to remember and so we decided to wait on that. Honestly, we were happy just having a day off from driving instead. That was Thursday.

Friday we went to the aquarium in Monterey which was probably the boys' favorite day.

We were greeted with a tube of tiny, translucent jellyfish. I tried circling them in the picture. Hopefully that makes it easier to see. Jon loved seeing all the fish and animals as well as all the interactive areas. We spent a very happy three hours in there.

Next was Vegas! We only walked the part of the Strip that I care about: Paris and the Bellagio.

I love all things French and we would've actually stayed in Paris, but our plan got shifted enough so when we went to shift our reservation they didn't have an opening. Next time. C'est la vie.

I also love the fountain show at the Bellagio and our timing was such that we got to see two, bracketing our time inside. I had to see the glass flowers on the ceiling, the conservatory echoed our time at the aquarium, and we had to get some gelato.

Then we headed over to Arizona to spend a week with family there. While we were there we hit a few sights as well.

We went to the zoo in Phoenix. Jon loved seeing more animals and it was exciting to have the lion roar while were there and the alligators were being quite active too. Then we saw the San Xavier Mission down by Tucson. It was my first time at a Catholic mission, so it was interesting seeing all the carvings inside. Charles enjoyed learning about this oldest mission in the area. It is the oldest because it was built using more native techniques so it has withstood the elements better than the others have.

On our way home we stopped by the Montezuma Castle National Park. It was very interesting and I wish we could've stayed a bit longer to learn more about it, but it was hot. This was the Monday after the the fourth hottest day on record in Phoenix, so we didn't want to stay outside for very long.

From there it was just a straight shot up through Utah to get home.

We basically just flew up the state, but we were still able to appreciate the geology and all the texture there. I also didn't know that the Manti Temple was just there by the road so you couldn't miss it. The Manti Temple is also one of my favorite "castle" temples.

But our favorite site by far was when we came out of Logan Canyon and could see all of Bear Lake.

Montpelier is just out of frame there to the left. So we still had another hour of driving to get home because of all the little lake towns we had to drive through. But now we are home...for now.

Why Motherhood is Worth It

Happy Mother's Day!

This just seems perfect. My first testimony post is in time for Mother's Day and I was already wanting to talk about motherhood as an extension of introducing myself in these first posts.

In real time, I'm in the midst of a great need to remind myself of why I am doing this on a day to day basis.

Motherhood is hard.

But it is always worth it. Sometimes we just lose sight of that in the moment.

And yet, this was always my dream job. Growing up I knew two things for sure: I was going to get married in the temple and be a stay-at-home mom. I did get married in the Rexburg temple and I am so blessed to have a  husband who provides sufficiently for our family to allow me to be a stay-at-home mom.

So being a mother has always been a high priority for me. But why? What are my incentives? I explored this before I ever got pregnant in a paper I wrote for a college English class. I could just link to it, but to save you having to read ten double-spaced pages of well-documented research, I'll just quote my abstract.

In this piece the author explores the question as to why mothers should stay home to nurture their children by looking at the results of having the mother absent from the lives of their children. These include the rising rates of child obesity, misbehaviors, and other symptoms of unhappiness in children and adolescents. This author proposes that such problems are largely due to mothers being absent and neglecting the nurture of their children. Therefore this author has an increased resolve to be a stay-at-home mother herself for the benefit of her children.

Basically, I got to look at all the bad stuff that can happen when there isn't a stay-at-home mom in the picture and that was more than enough incentive. I wanted my babies to be healthy, happy, and safe, and I felt I was best able to make that happen.

Now that I am a mother in truth I can see all the little moments that make it all worth while. I love that I can count on getting smiles from my baby and I love it when my toddler just wants to snuggle. They both amaze me each and every day. Watching them grow and progress is what gives me warm fuzzies.

It's the occasional tantrum when they are both crying and I'm at the end of my rope that I forget the big "Why am I Doing This".

I am doing this because I believe in being a nurturer and I take The Family: A Proclamation to the World as my pattern.

Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live...Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.

Love and compassion are my foundation. Repentance and forgiveness are my daily tools. And my faith is strengthened everyday as I learn a little more how to be Christ-like. My children show me what Christ meant when he commanded us to "become as little children" (Matt. 18:3). My children are the greatest examples of forgiveness in my life, which shows me where I have much room to improve.

My sweetest moments are when I just tell my babies that I love them and in my heart I feel heavenly echos reminding me that I too am loved even more than I can comprehend.

So, yes, being a mother is hard, but it is also my path to Heaven. The path is often bumpy, but I don't walk it alone.

In God’s eternal plan, salvation is an individual matter; exaltation is a family matter. (Elder Russell M. Nelson)

 That is why it is worth it. Eternally worth it. 

Why am I Writing a Blog?

The short answer is I'm writing a blog because I want to.

The end. See you next week.

Ha! Like I'd leave it at that.

(Quick side note: Isn't it funny how things can just fall into your lap right when you need it? Like how I listen to a podcast that gave me the words I needed to really explain why I'm here.)

I've been binge-listening to the Freakonomics podcast, and the "Am I Boring You?" episode played while I was washing the dishes the other day. Two key phrases really resonated with me and my thoughts on blogging. These were "mental retirement" and "meta-cognition". These two phrases are the true base of my reasons for wanting to blog.

In the podcast they were talking about mental retirement in regards to when someone is old and no longer in the work force and how mental capacities diminish as they are less engaged, but I could make the argument that mental retirement, the way they described it, can just as easily be applied to stay-at-home moms who are no longer in the work force. We just usually joke about it in the context of losing brain cells due to pregnancy. I personally love that joke with the personal twist that I tell my babies that they had better be really smart since they stole my brain cells. Freakonomics cast a new light on this for me. It's really more like a "use it or lose it" scenario. I'll be the first to admit that I really have let my abilities fall by the wayside since having two under three. I hope to reengage my mind by writing.

The second phrase of meta-cognition is my other reason for blogging. Angela Duckworth described meta-cognition as being a tool of highly successful people that she had interview. To use her words:

Every successful person that I’ve ever interviewed — and I do a lot of interviewing of successful gold medalists and CEOs of Fortune 100 companies and so forth — every single one is extraordinarily meta-cognitive. By that I mean that they are able to reflect on their own emotions, their own thoughts and their own behaviors. They’re sort of able to step outside themselves and say, “Hmm, what am I doing? What just happened there? Is that something that I liked? Did I not like it? What can I do to kind of go back into the situation and do it differently next time?”

So, I'm hoping to use blogging as my method of meta-cognition. I doubt I'll get to Fortune 100 levels of success, but I'll be happy if I am able to make my mommy life more fulfilling in my own small (or large) ways.

To be honest, I'm feeling better already and this is only my first post. The gears are turning, the juices are flowing, and changes await in my future. Wish me luck!