Motherhood is hard. We are all agreed on this. But there are ways to make it a little easier. Tips to have at hand so we feel like we know what we are doing...at least some of the time.
When it's just me and the boys I can get plenty self-conscious about my parenting abilities, like anyone else, but then I occasionally go out in public and realize that it could be a lot worse.
I have several sources I turn to that help me feel like I have it together...most of the time, actually.
So, what I offer today are my secrets, or at least the sources of my secrets in the hope that it will help and inspire all you other wonderful mothers who have not discovered these wonderful books. It is my wish that you may find something here to help you be a better parent today.
1. The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp
This is a great starting point, whether you are expecting your first or your last or simply have need of skills to soothe crying babies in what ever setting you may be in.
I read this book as a "textbook" for an Infants and Toddlers class I took in my last semester of BYU-I before I had a baby and graduated. I felt like a pro-Momma with this under my belt before Jon was born. We still had our learning curve when it came to breastfeeding and dealing with cloth diapers, but I could swaddle like a champ.
Dr. Karp's premise with this book is that human babies need a "fourth trimester". Other animal babies come out and walk and "talk" right away. Our babies get pushed out before their heads get too big, ideally. That certainly doesn't mean that they are ready to take on the big, wide world all at once. So, Dr. Karp introduces his "5S's" to simulate conditions from within in the womb to help soothe the baby when outside of the womb to help with the transition.
These work people. So much so that I had people wonder if my baby ever cried because it sure seemed like he never did out in public.
To be brief, the 5 S's are Swaddling, Side-lying, Shushing, Swinging, and Sucking. When I was using these "in the trenches", as it were, like trying to get a newborn to sleep when they have other ideas, I'd have them swaddled, laying on their side on my knees so I could lean over them and make ocean sounds right into their ear while my knees did the swinging, and they sucked on my thumb. (My babies preferred the taste of me over plastic, so we didn't really use binkies at all.) To be fair, this was still a test in patience because it may have still taken a good 15 minutes for them to really fall asleep, but (eventually) fall asleep they did.
2. The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp
It of course makes sense that when I saw this sequel at a book swap, I was sure to grab it. I just finished reading it, to be honest, but I use this everyday and more so on Sundays as a Nursery leader. (It's probably why I haven't been released yet.)
In here, Dr. Karp lovingly calls toddlers "cavemen" and explains that parents have to act as diplomats of the current century. This involves connecting with respect and using "Toddler-ese" to help prevent tantrums or lovingly stop them in their tracks.
My favorite tip was the "Fast Food Rule" (or FFR) for communicating with little ones. He calls it this to bring to mind how the person taking your order at a fast food restaurant repeats your order back to you before they tell you your total price.
The FFR has two parts: First, whoever is most upset (usually the toddler, but this works in "grown-up" situations as well) talks first; the other person listens, repeats back what they are told, and only then do they take their turn to talk. The second part uses "Toddler-ese", tone of voice, and mimicked emotion to hit the toddlers "sweet spot" to get their attention and let them know that you understand how they feel. That part is key because when a toddler is upset they are feeling more that thinking so just trying to be rational with them first is not going to work.
I still have troubles with playing up the emotional part of the FFR (thank my T4 for that) but using short, repetitive sentences (the Toddler-ese in a nutshell) with some reflected feeling really works.
Dr. Karp also mentions knowing your child's temperament and realizing you may have a personality mismatch and that does right into my favorite tools.
3. The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle
Now, I'll be honest: I haven't fully read this book yet, but I already have a thorough working knowledge of Carol's Energy Profiling System through Dressing Your Truth. So I still feel like a "child whisperer" with what I have to go on.
Knowing the Types of my children has been such a blessing. I know Jon is a T2 so I know that when he gets upset he will probably cry and need hugs to calm down. If I didn't know David was a T1 our breastfeeding experience would have been more frustrating for me with how easily distracted he can be. As is, I feed him where it is quiet and just enjoy his smiles when he unlatches for a moment here or there because he wants to tell me he loves me with his eyes .
I look forward to using my knowledge with future children and I feel confident that I can handle all the Types in my children as they come around.
4. The Child Whisperer Podcast by Carol Tuttle
Until I do finish reading the book, I can gain more insight from Carol's podcast of the same name.
(Note: The link shows the podcast through iTunes but I'm pretty sure I've been able to kind it through other podcast listening apps.)
I enjoy listening to podcasts while I do household chores, and I'm up-to-date on all my other podcasts, so while I wait for new episodes I listen to Carol Tuttle.
With access to the full archive of her material, even from before it was The Child Whisperer Show, I've been able to get more of the nuanced flavors of the Types from Carol's content as well as when she takes live callers and answers their questions.
My favorite episodes so far (go through the above link) are "How to Parent True to Your Nature", "Is your perception of your children hurting them?", and "How do you measure your success as a parent?".
5. Dressing Your Truth by Carol Tuttle
I find where Energy Profiling is concerned, it's a bit like the oxygen masks on an airplane: you put yours on first before you help whoever is near you. Meaning, it's a bit hard to parent true to your Type if you don't know your Type.
Knowing my Type and dressing my truth does make me a better mom because I feel better in my own skin. It goes with the saying of "If mom's not happy then no one's happy." Conversely, when mom's happy everyone is happier. Dressing my truth makes me a happier person because I know myself, I know my tendencies and how to manage them, and I know how to make the most of my personal gifts.
With this knowledge I am bien dans ma peau. This is a knowledge I feel that everyone should have. I truly believe this would make us happier as a people and (possibly) lead to world peace. Who knows? We can dream big.
World peace aside, I'd settle for happier families to start with.
I hope you find these resources as useful as I have in becoming a better parent.
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